By Sarah Janosik, LCSW

While orgasm is often considered to be the ultimate goal of sex, the shocking fact for women is that it doesn't happen all that much.

Orgasm: The supposed peak-both literally and metaphorically-of any sexual encounter. It is the ultimate bliss, utter joy, an earth-shattering experience. It is the big deal. But as big a deal as it may be, you'd be surprised to discover how few women actually experience orgasm, either on a regular basis or ever. Check out these possibly shocking facts:

• About 10% of women have never experienced an orgasm.
• Only 30% of women achieve orgasm through intercourse.
• 70% of women need direct clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm, according to one German study.
• Among British women, 46% never or rarely achieve orgasm.

So, while orgasm is often considered to be the ultimate goal of sex, it doesn't happen all that much, at least for us of the fairer gender. All of these facts lead us to wonder if the fortunate few women who do achieve orgasm are just lucky or if they have to work at it. Many of us women don't have orgasms -- but should we? And if you do have to practice or work to experience an orgasm, is it worth it? What's normal anyway?

If you're like most women you probably don't know how to answer these questions outside the gossip you and your friends might have exchanged during a girls' night out. That's not surprising. Sure, you can surf the Internet and pull up relevant articles and statistics, but the truth of the matter is that most women feel that not experiencing an orgasm isn't enough of a problem to even dig into the matter.

And why should they? Our society, our media, even our healthcare system conveys a message to women that experiencing an orgasm isn't that important or that it should be effortless. Having good financial credit or white teeth-that's important-and you see lots of ads for those products and services. But orgasms for women? Very few commercials for that!

On the other hand, there are plenty of commercials for products dedicated to solving men's sexual problems, especially ED, or erectile dysfunction. And the more recognized models of sexual response, especially the famous Masters and Johnson study, are known to describe male sexual response but miss the mark for females.

Even so, the Big O, or at least very happy sex, does matter. It matters a lot for many reasons. On the physical level, having orgasms is both natural and important. Says sexologist Dr. Pansak Sugkrakroek, "Even though orgasms are not the be all and end all of sex, regularly achieving them improves emotional and overall wellbeing ... It can also help reduce life's stresses. Ideally, people should try to have orgasms regularly."

More important, perhaps, are the mental and emotional benefits. Women who have a sexually satisfying relationship tend to feel good and feel empowered. They also tend to look good because body image is strongly connected to the way we feel.

Not that you have to have an orgasm all the time, but being able to climax regularly is crucial to helping you stay young, vibrant, attractive and sexy. This is true even if you have to be your own sex partner to achieve orgasm. If we don't have access to satisfying sex, then we shrivel up inside, both literally and emotionally. We look on the inside the way depressed people look on the outside-all hunched over and stoop-shouldered. No one wants to live like that.

And yet the majority of women do live like that-in the desert of unsatisfying sex. You may live like that but might be afraid to admit it, even to yourself. Or you may live without satisfying sex and not even know it.

Many women are unaware of what goes on with their bodies, and in fact, are quite numb sexually. One study at the University of Texas conclusively demonstrated this phenomenon. Participants in the study were asked to watch erotic movies while being monitored for their physiological/sexual response. Then, without being told the results of the monitoring, they were asked whether they were aroused during the movie. More than 50% of the women said they were not aroused when in fact they were, according to the monitoring results.

If this many women are disconnected from their sexual/genital response, what does this tell us about reaching the Big O? It tells us that the Big O isn't automatic and that we might actually have to do some reprogramming of our minds, bodies, and emotions to achieve it. It means that "getting off" might not be as easy as "getting it on." It means that if we want to have satisfying sexual experiences we have to make the Big O important in our lives. It means we might need to explore our bodies, practice some exercises, and even get in shape down there.

But don't fret, even if training programs for women's sexual fitness are not as popular as body-building gyms-yet-having satisfactory sex, which often includes getting to the Big O, doesn't have to be difficult. In fact, the process can be summed up in three steps: discovery, discussion, and direction.

Discovery: O, Really?!?

If your sexual response isn't all you want it to be then your first step is discovery. You'll want to explore and learn about the range and various models of sexual response and understand how different sexual satisfaction is for women than for men.

Men are driven by different hormones, move through a different process of sexual response, and are socialized about sex differently than women. These differences can cause friction in a sexual relationship but understanding them can open the door to new experiences.

Discussion: Sex is Not a Four-Letter Word

"Sex" isn't a four-letter word, but few of us talk about it with people who might be able to help us have a better sex life. Talking with your girlfriends about sex over margaritas (à la Sex in the City) might be a great place to start, but sometimes you need professional help. A sex therapist can act as an information broker, educator, detective, and referral source to help answer questions that you might be too shy to ask your health provider.

Direction: Working Toward Satisfaction

How important is sexual satisfaction to you, and how much are you willing to do to achieve it? If you've talked with a professional about your situation then you probably know some avenues you can pursue to enhance your sexual response, which might include:

• Get a physical exam from an ob/gyn, urologist, or physical therapist to rule out any physical problems.
• If you do discover a physical problem, pursue the appropriate path to solve the problem, be it physical therapy, meditation, surgery, hormone therapy or something else.
• Work with specialists (with or without your partner), including marriage counselors, religious clergy, physical therapists and others to focus on your specific issues.
• Assess your level of pelvic floor fitness with the help of a physical therapist and do appropriate exercises to tone your PF muscles for better sexual response.
• Do some research on your own to discover what makes you feel good physically, which may include touching yourself and masturbating.
• Explore with your partner, either at home or with the help of a professional, what you need in order to reach sexual satisfaction, and at the same time discover what your partner needs.
• Decide whether the Big O is crucial to you and, if so, work with a specialist to help you get there.

Most of us women have to "learn" how to have satisfying sex. We have to learn about our responses on the physical, emotional, and mental levels. We have to discover, sometimes by doing very personal hands-on research, what turns us on. Sex isn't always about the Big O but it is about being content with our bodies and our sexuality. It's about feeling and looking great, inside and out, at any age.